Maybe Not

At Will's last counseling appointment a couple of weeks ago, the counselor seemed more respectful and kind than she had seemed at first. I an not sure if she still backs her initial diagnosis of ODD. We did supply her with lots of early documentation from his grade school education and previous counseling episodes.

After reviewing all of that paperwork and talking to William a few times, she believes he has an attention problem. She wants him to have a medicine evaluation with a psychiatrist and do a trial on ADHD meds.

I have really mixed feelings about this. I have always thought that meds should be a last resort, and when he took meds during 1st and 2nd grade, they seemed to do more harm than good. He is older now though, and there are better medications available now; and if there's a chance that this will help him, I support him trying it out.

Of course, he's spent most of his life hearing me proselytize against the indiscriminate use of psychotropic medication. Well, he's heard me rant about the overuse of all pharmaceuticals. Not having the benefit of a medical education or much life experience, it turns out that he is much more staunchly against meds than even I am.

I've suggested that he read up on ADHD, on the biology and chemistry of the disorder, and then go ahead and see what the psychiatrist suggests. He's a smart boy. He can comprehend the science behind it. I also disclosed to him my recent softening on the subject.

I just want him to have the best possible foundation for a healthy and successful life.

Despectacled

My boy with his new contacts, without his trusty frames.
I make cute kids, yes?

Taco Pain-o

William loves his job. At least he did, before he suffered the second degree burn to the bulk of his abdomen a few days ago. He has been in a lot of pain, but he's ok. I feel so bad for him though. He's inherited my clutz gene. He splashed some scalding hot water on himself. I gave him analgesics and cool wet compresses and told him to call me if it got unbearable. I had to go to work!

It's healing ok without a trip to the ER or doctor's office, but it ain't pretty!

Blame, Pain and Shame

I am reading both Positive Discipline and Positive Discipline for Teeneagers. Why oh why did it take me so long to find this book? Apparently, it has been in print for more than 25 years.

This sounds like a lot of hard work, but it fits better than anything I've ever read before. I could probably wallpaper my house with the parenting books I've read over the years. There have been "godly" ones, punitive ones, unconditional ones, loving ones, logical ones, and shallow ones. Most of them made me a little squeamish at some point.

The main premise of this method, as far as I can tell, is to maintain dignity and respect for both parent and child. I'm not quite sure I believe that is entirely possible, but it's too promising not to attempt. Discipline is not about 'blame, pain and shame'; but about teaching life lessons. Making kids feel bad is not only unnecessary, but counterproductive to the learning process. Where have I been? Scared, that's where. I've fallen into parenting from fear instead of love. I admit it. Breaking the cycle isn't as easy as it seems, either. More on this later...

nothing like a little late night epinephrine

Panic over, the sixteen year old did finally make it home from work. (aren't you glad I spared you the play by play thus far?)

He works two miles up the road. There is really only one way to get there. He got off at 8:57. Paul got home at 9:40 and had not passed him. I drove the two miles and back and did not pass him. He sounded irritated when I called to him through his closed bathroom door. I wonder if I sounded irritated or genuinely worried or just relieved.

Most people can walk a mile in twenty minutes fairly easily, many can walk it in fifteen. I'm not sure how or where he's walking.

diagnosis and direction

My boy has a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This isn't a huge shock. It's been suggested before, by teachers, friends, and even me. I am not exactly relieved either. While I despise labels, it is somewhat comforting to know what it is that we are dealing with. It makes our frustration level feel a little more acceptable, even if I'm not happy with the way we deal with that frustration. We will also need to rule out ADHD. It's always been a borderline diagnosis for him, but he never responded well to stimulant medication. Again, just a piece of the puzzle but no real solution.

The therapist set the responsibility for dealing with these problems and achieving his goals squarely on William's shoulders. She was irritated with the whole family dynamic, but she only did an assessment and set up some return appointments. We weren't attacked, even though she must have wanted to really badly a couple of times. Let's just say no one put on any facade for her benefit. It was all very real and true to form. I am too desperate for help to even be embarrassed.

William has a lot of work to do, and we have to learn better coping skills. It's ok to demand certain standards and enforce the rules of the house, but we cannot change him. He has to want that for himself.

I am still sad, but a little more hopeful. We have asked for help and it is coming. William likes his job so far, but he will have to figure out how to juggle his responsibilities. I think it is good for him to have a dose of reality, even if he isn't ready for it. He thinks that he is.

Whew!

So if you've been following my William saga at all (most of the posts are protected), then you know we've been thinking about pulling his lazy butt out of public school and homeschooling him, at least for the next month and over the summer. I have been worried about finding and paying for curriculum though, and I've been worried about having the time to help and monitor him. I was really wishing that we had a program like my friend in Colorado does, through the school system.

I didn't find that, but I did find an accredited, online high school! I'm so happy. Oh, and it is FREE!!!

Hmmm...

So now my somewhat troubled, sexually confused 16 year old has asked to go to a GLB Youth Group. If I thought he was gay, I would not have a problem with that.

But it seems he wants to identify with being gay because it is trendy and cool. He wasn't honest about the mission of the group, either. Maybe he wants to go for the free wi-fi since we cut him off.

If he wants to 'come out' then he should. Otherwise, if he wants to attend social functions, he knows what he needs to accomplish to end the grounding.

---

In speaking with his counselor, she seemed to say that all parental action at this point will be ineffectual, but that there is still merit in reacting. How fucking hopeful am I?

Parenting Sucks

Today is a bad day. After giving my sixteen year old an ultimatum concerning his education last weekend, I contacted his teachers to ask how he is doing.

Here are the emails, mine and theirs. I still do not know what I should do.

Me: William is in serious jeopardy in all of his classes. I’ve asked him to make a concerted effort this week to turn things around.

Have you seen a definitive improvement in his level of effort and attitude this week? I would very much appreciate a response. I would also be sincerely grateful for any additional comments or advice you have to offer.

Algebra Teacher: William has made the additional effort to stay after school 3 days this week. I'm not sure how much we've accomplished during that time. He has been extra distracted and somewhat scattered during that time. There is time and points enough left in the semester for him to indeed turn it around if he chooses to do so starting now. I remain concerned that he often seems like he's not paying attention in class. He assures me that he indeed is paying attention.

Creative Writing Teacher: He has been slightly better. He did turn in a significant assignment this week. I think he is focusing a little to much of his time and energy on a female right now. The good news is he has time to make a big turnaround if he can get focused.

Science Teacher: I have noticed an effort, but is still does not seem important to him.

English Teacher: Good morning,
This week started with improvement but sadly has ended without much effort on his part. I did not receive the two assignments I gave him permission to make up from the past Julius Caesar assignments and he did not turn in the last two writing assignments for one of the novels we are reading “Ultimate Gift”. We have completed two reading assignments for Tale of Two Cities and his lack of classroom participation tells me that he may not be ready for the quiz on Monday. I am not willing to take any more late assignments from him because his current work is suffering. I know he was distracted recently by a girl friend and ultimately served Saturday school detention. I do not know if the same distraction is still bothering him. I will have an update grade sheet sent home with him on Monday. Let me know what you think.

German Teacher: Yes he has been working and even 'typed' on our smartboard yesterday. Please have him come in after school if he needs to...I am usually always here. We can certainly get him through.



So I don't know what to do next.

Pull him out, give him another week, let him hang himself and repeat the classes next year?
What do I do? All I know for sure is that I am just not on board with him wasting the next month at school; just being there and not doing a damn thing except flirt. That, and he is definitely getting a job. He needs a reality check.