My Life

The name of this blog is A Will to Live, because for me there really was no life pre-William. I was a shell of a human...frightened, timid, insecure, unworthy.

I had him too young, but barely soon enough for my life to begin. Without his little hands holding mine, and his eyes looking up to me with total trust, I might never have become a fully functional adult. His love, his dependence on me for survival, saved me. I grew up and became brave because I had no other choice. Left to my own devices, I might have continued to shrivel. I would have gone to college, maybe had a great career, but the hedge around my heart would have just kept growing taller and thicker. I shudder to think of the cold, isolated person I might have been.

I won't forget or neglect this gift. I have made alot of mistakes. I've hurt him unintentionally. I've done things, "for his own good", that really weren't. He forgives me and still trusts me though. How amazing. I live each day trying to be more worthy.

He is fifteen now, and as tall as a man. He is as shocked as I am that he now towers over me. My chatterbox has grown into a reluctant intellectual. He fills his mind with nonsense, and still manages to draw a lot of really wise conclusions. I really enjoy our 'real' conversations. I tolerate the chatter to get to the good stuff. Will has said more than once recently that he's becoming 'more like me'. I think he means it as a compliment. He means he is becoming more openminded and tolerant and thoughtful, of which at the age of fifteen myself, I was only thoughtful. He is taller than me, yet somehow still looks up to me.