Whew!

So if you've been following my William saga at all (most of the posts are protected), then you know we've been thinking about pulling his lazy butt out of public school and homeschooling him, at least for the next month and over the summer. I have been worried about finding and paying for curriculum though, and I've been worried about having the time to help and monitor him. I was really wishing that we had a program like my friend in Colorado does, through the school system.

I didn't find that, but I did find an accredited, online high school! I'm so happy. Oh, and it is FREE!!!

Hmmm...

So now my somewhat troubled, sexually confused 16 year old has asked to go to a GLB Youth Group. If I thought he was gay, I would not have a problem with that.

But it seems he wants to identify with being gay because it is trendy and cool. He wasn't honest about the mission of the group, either. Maybe he wants to go for the free wi-fi since we cut him off.

If he wants to 'come out' then he should. Otherwise, if he wants to attend social functions, he knows what he needs to accomplish to end the grounding.

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In speaking with his counselor, she seemed to say that all parental action at this point will be ineffectual, but that there is still merit in reacting. How fucking hopeful am I?

Parenting Sucks

Today is a bad day. After giving my sixteen year old an ultimatum concerning his education last weekend, I contacted his teachers to ask how he is doing.

Here are the emails, mine and theirs. I still do not know what I should do.

Me: William is in serious jeopardy in all of his classes. I’ve asked him to make a concerted effort this week to turn things around.

Have you seen a definitive improvement in his level of effort and attitude this week? I would very much appreciate a response. I would also be sincerely grateful for any additional comments or advice you have to offer.

Algebra Teacher: William has made the additional effort to stay after school 3 days this week. I'm not sure how much we've accomplished during that time. He has been extra distracted and somewhat scattered during that time. There is time and points enough left in the semester for him to indeed turn it around if he chooses to do so starting now. I remain concerned that he often seems like he's not paying attention in class. He assures me that he indeed is paying attention.

Creative Writing Teacher: He has been slightly better. He did turn in a significant assignment this week. I think he is focusing a little to much of his time and energy on a female right now. The good news is he has time to make a big turnaround if he can get focused.

Science Teacher: I have noticed an effort, but is still does not seem important to him.

English Teacher: Good morning,
This week started with improvement but sadly has ended without much effort on his part. I did not receive the two assignments I gave him permission to make up from the past Julius Caesar assignments and he did not turn in the last two writing assignments for one of the novels we are reading “Ultimate Gift”. We have completed two reading assignments for Tale of Two Cities and his lack of classroom participation tells me that he may not be ready for the quiz on Monday. I am not willing to take any more late assignments from him because his current work is suffering. I know he was distracted recently by a girl friend and ultimately served Saturday school detention. I do not know if the same distraction is still bothering him. I will have an update grade sheet sent home with him on Monday. Let me know what you think.

German Teacher: Yes he has been working and even 'typed' on our smartboard yesterday. Please have him come in after school if he needs to...I am usually always here. We can certainly get him through.



So I don't know what to do next.

Pull him out, give him another week, let him hang himself and repeat the classes next year?
What do I do? All I know for sure is that I am just not on board with him wasting the next month at school; just being there and not doing a damn thing except flirt. That, and he is definitely getting a job. He needs a reality check.

as the blood pressure rises...

My son still does not get the gravity of his situation. He was feeling optimistic because he stayed after school last week and is catching on in Algebra. Unfortunately, his Algebra grades haven't improved. It is lack of effort, rather than lack of ability. He also slipped two more letter grades this week. He now has a C in English and an F in Creative Writing. His life ambition is to be a writer. I don't know what's going on with him. His response was that he didn't expect to fail, he just thought that he could skip a few assignments without it affecting his grades too badly.

Hmmm...but what about the last four months of us reminding him, warning him and harrassing him?

Maybe he really doesn't care?
Maybe he's depressed?
Maybe his ego is out of control?
I don't know. He just says he was unmotivated.

How is this for motivation: All make up work must be turned in by Friday, and all work completed this week must be at least a C, or he is leaving public school. No debate club, no drama club, no class ring, no prom.

Why does it hurt me more than him?

I am drowning here. I am doing my best; it just doesn't seem nearly good enough.

William is still on a downhill slide with his grades. The girl wrote us a note asking for a second chance. She says she's hurt and he's her best friend. How can we hurt her if she doesn't even know us?

I keep seeing a swaddled seven pound sweet smelling baby. I miss him.

Parenting isn't for sissies

We received a call from the truant officer yesterday! Oldest son has skipped class twice with his on again/off again girlfriend type person. It just so happens to be one of the classes he is failing. It turns out she is also in the other class he is failing, and her class and his "D" class share a classroom. Coincidence? Perhaps. Bad influence? I think.

Ewwww!!! I never ever ever wanted to be one of those parents that pulled the 'bad influence' card. But if the shoe fits...I don't blame the girl. I'm willing to accept that my son may be just as bad an influence on her. We've known it was a toxic relationship for months, and have discouraged him from pursuing it, doing all but forbidding him from seeing her (because we knew what that decree would bring); but this really is a problem that has to be addressed.

I'm going to talk to his counselor about withdrawing him from those classes. He is already grounded until the end of the school year. No phone, no computer, nothing except chores and homework. I am really tempted to pull him out of school altogether and homeschool, at least for the rest of the school year.

I keep asking myself whether I am overreacting. Kids will be kids...blah blah blah...but no. This is a step on the wrong path that must be corrected. In fact, he has skipped a few yards down the path already. His brain is not functional, and I have a right and a duty to claim parental override.

The conversation went something like this:

Will: We got to talking and had already missed the first twenty minutes...

Me: Did you think you would not get caught, or did you not care about the consequences?

Will: A little bit of both, I guess. Other kids haven't got caught...

Me: You mean they haven't got caught yet?

There were also questions about goals and expectations, the future, overall cocky attitudes, and apathy.

and then....

Will: Please, just let me have a chance to be a good influence for her?

Oh I think that time has past.

Where's the damn instruction manual???

x-posted at Raising Reagan and Stepiphany

The older kids are testing every parental resolve I own. I admit here that I am a waffler. I don't passionately come down on any side of any one parenting theory. I have passionate ideas about parenting, passionate preferences; but I don't passionately believe in or abhor corporal punishment; or passionately embrace or disdain unconditional or "free" parenting. We are very strict about some things, and very liberal with others. We are probably "goal oriented" parents; but when we stop and think, that doesn't fit either. We want to raise responsible, caring citizens.
We want to raise self assured, well rounded individuals. These "goals" often are at odds.

The most important thing is that my kids know they are loved. Second, is that they take responsibility for their own happiness. Third, is that they are raised compassionately and learn compassion. I also want them to have a fun and protected childhood, but that is not as important to me as the first three.

It is hard to maintain standards and maintain compassion simultaneously. It is easy to fall back on the way we were parented. It is easy to be judgemental instead of objective. It is hard to understand.

My oldest, extremely bright, son tells me he is just not motivated when I ask how he managed to earn two F's and a D. I do not understand. I might be judging too harshly, but I am worried.

My ten year old daughter doesn't seem to care about consequences, except to try to avoid them by lying and cheating. When she is caught, she seems to have no remorse or guilt. I do not understand. I might be judging too harshly, but I am very worried.

I am considering family counseling, but no one ever likes my ideas.